In this post, Irene – the author of an amazing Montessori parenting blog, Montessori Life As We Know It shares her successful experience during the process of toilet training her toddler.
I’m often asked about my family’s journey with toilet learning. It was a positive experience for us, not because we found a magic trick, but because we shifted our perspective. We stopped seeing it as “training” and started seeing it as “learning”—a natural process led by the child, supported by the parent.
If you’re feeling the pressure to start or finish, remember this: this is not a race. Every child starts and finishes in their own time. The goal isn’t to hit a specific age, but to nurture a child’s natural development with patience and respect.
Why is Toilet Learning Such a Sensitive Topic?
There are so many strong opinions out there. Start too early and you might worry about causing stress. Start too late and you might fear creating a permanent dependency. This pressure can make the process feel overwhelming before you even begin.
We chose to let go of these external arguments. Instead of treating toilet learning as a chore, we viewed it as a natural life experience—another skill to be mastered, just like learning to walk or talk. We allowed our child to show us when they were ready.
Our Child-Led Approach: How We Did It
There is no single formula that works for every child. However, a framework of observation and support can make the journey smoother and more pleasant for everyone. Here’s a summary of what worked for us.
1. The Power of Observation
Before making any changes, we became detectives. We paid close attention to our child’s patterns and cues.
- What signs did they show before they needed to go?
- How frequently did they go, and was there a predictable time of day?
- Did they seem more aware of a wet diaper or a soiled one?
Observation is a two-way street. We also maintained an open-door policy in the bathroom from a young age, normalizing the toilet as a natural part of daily life, just like eating or sleeping.
2. Plan Ahead, But Stay Flexible
Based on our observations, we created a supportive environment:
- We used a waterproof mattress protector.
- We placed a night light in the bathroom for easy nighttime access.
- We set up stations with a potty (or a toilet insert), a basket of clean clothes, and a bucket for soiled items.
But the most important part of planning is being ready to change your plans! What works one week might not work the next. We found that having two potty stations (upstairs and downstairs) was helpful. We also quickly realized our child preferred the “big toilet” with a step stool, so we adapted.
3. Know Your Family’s Values
It’s crucial to decide what principles are important to your family. For us, one value was respecting our child’s sleep. We chose not to do a “dream wee” (waking a sleeping child to use the toilet). We felt it was important for them to learn to wake up on their own if they needed to go. This took time and patience, but it allowed them to own the process completely.
Your family’s values might be different, and that’s okay. The key is to have a guiding principle to fall back on when things get challenging.
4. Embrace the Learning Opportunities
Toilet learning is about so much more than just using the toilet. It’s a masterclass in life skills and bonding. Here’s what we learned along the way:
- Trust: We learned to trust in a child’s innate ability to master their own body. Our role was to support, not to control.
- Patience: Yes, there were moments that required deep breaths. Patience during a “miss,” patience when they refused to go, and patience to remember that this is a learning process, not a deliberate act of defiance.
- Positive Language: We avoided words like “accident” which can carry shame. Instead, we called them “misses” and treated them as learning opportunities. We involved our child in the clean-up process in a neutral, helpful way.
- Use Proper Terminology: We used the correct anatomical names for body parts. This prevents confusion and promotes a healthy, shame-free understanding of their body.
- Kindness: Toilet learning is hard for both the child and the parent. We found that offering kindness and encouragement—to our own child and to other families—made the journey much lighter. We all get there in the end.
The Real Secret to Toilet Learning
So, what’s the answer? In our experience, we didn’t “do” the learning. We provided the opportunities, the support, and the patience. The accomplishment belongs to the child alone.
This is their journey from unknowing to knowing, from dependence to independence. We were simply there to cheer them on, without rewards or pressure, so they could learn to do it for themselves.
By focusing on love, understanding, and empathy, you can transform toilet learning from a stressful power struggle into a beautiful, confidence-building milestone.
